Sign of the times.
Strange things keep appearing at the side of the road. They are called, road signs. They are there to inform us driverists of things that may have a consequence to our journey. They are placed there by council workmen in the middle of the night, or by the traffic stazi, whenever they feel like, and the powers that be, that build our amazing network of car parks. Sorry. Roads. Although it is getting harder to distinguish between the two. Maybe N.C.P. has merged with the Highways Agency and the government buried the news when they announced we were having a credit crunch (I thought that was a new type of biscuit).
The main example I sight for this car park theory, is the outer London ring road. Known affectionately throughout the land as the “Road to Hell”. The M25. It was never designed to be a car park, there are no parking bay markings for instance, but it has most assuredly turned into one. It’ll not be long now, before the clampers are out and on there way to spread there own brand of love, and extortion, to the masses.
Of course, it doesn’t help, does it when five billion Chelsea Tractors rally up at 08.45hrs am o’clock in the morning, on any given day, Monday to Friday, to deposit Tristan and Samantha at one of those out of catchment area schools. The ones that costs more per term, than a round the world cruise on the Queen Mary II. Is it any wonder, nobody can get to work on time.
Unexpectedly, and this was as much of a shock to me as it will be to you, these vehicles are not the main culprits for the delays. But you can be forgiven for believing it to be true. Oh no. That accolade must surely go to the chaps, and chapesses sitting, watching the Motorway cameras. Probably in some office complex, just outside Mumbai.
I can guarantee you that on the stroke of half past four, every weekday morning, they come back from the coffee machine and start putting the world to rights. Just so that you know, Mumbai is several hours in front of us, so these people get plenty of practice, by turning Mumbai itself into one gigantic mass of stationary metalwork. Usually push bikes. Start small, work up, appears to be the motto.
I think that maybe they have a sweepstake on who can make the longest queue, and then at the end of the week, the winner takes the pot. The first thing they do is set the overhead gantry matrix signs and cameras to 50mph. This slows the trucks down from 55mph to about 45mph, as the only car on the road at this time of day is sitting in the middle lane, doing forty five because he already has twelve points and dare not go any faster. He doesn’t actually know he can move over, because he is still actually asleep. Also at that time of day there are only two trucks on the road. Mine and my mate, Fred’s, stuck behind Charlie boy there who is dreaming of one day owning a Ferrari, just as soon as he gets his licence back next time.
The system was installed to ease the congestion. Well that’s what they told us, and as we all know, that these cameras bite. The more perceptive amongst us, know for a fact, they were put in place, to pay for Mr Blair’s holidays in far away places. Whatever happened to border control? How the hell does he keep getting back in? Him and his mate Mandy. One minute they are out, the next they are in. Will it never end?
Now, what these matrix boards, actually seem to do, is add to the problem. I, myself have been on that very stretch of car park at 05:00hrs am o’clock in the morning (I lie not), casually going about my business. All by myself. Bereft of any other vehicle within 800 yards (apart from Fred that is), only to have the signs turn to 50 or even 40. Now I am not stupid enough to believe I can see a mile up the road (I don’t drive a BMW), to see a hold up. That is a fact. I can’t. When they tell you to slow down to a crawl, you either slow down, or lose the folding contents of your wallet. It’s as simple as that. It is of no consequence to them that there are no hold ups, or any other traffic on the road for that matter. All that concerns these people is you are there to be slowed down. By hook or by crooked hook. If you don’t, you pay £60, and earn yourself three penalty points at every camera. So by the time you have gone from the M40 to the M3, your licence has been taken away and you are locked up for ever. Remove the cameras and ease the prison overcrowding problem. Simple pimple. Another brilliant idea to help the nation, by me. Bloody hell! I’m good!
Not satisfied with stopping the Eastern Corner of Britain from getting on with getting on, they have now also managed to transform the once placid M42 into a seething mass of static machinery with the very same techlogeiny. Thus this stretch of our massive car park network has been renamed. CAMERA ALLEY. As we speak they have done the same to the M6 at Junction four up to the Spaghetti hoops junction, or whatever it’s called, at Birmingham. This can only mean, that by the end of the 2010’s there will be one massive joined up line of parked vehicles. Maybe we will be stuck next to each other one day soon. Don’t worry though, because, although I was never a boy scout (I did once play the part of Baden Powell, at our village fair, so can I now say sorry to my fellow villagers, about the knees),I shall be preparafied. I’ll have the kettle on. Come on over for a brew. Fetch your own cup.
Then there is the amazing “SLOW! POLICE ACCIDENT” signs. These are a brilliant idea. They let you know in advance that the Stazi have had an accident, a slow one, so as not to hurt themselves. It worries me. Shouldn’t these Police style people be trained in the art of not having accidents? They are after all the custodians of our highways and byways, along with the plastic stazi that turn up half an hour after everything has been cleared up. I do believe for the most part, they are there to help, and they do put up with a lot of abuse (not from me, I am a good boy), but come on guys. A few less accidents will give us normal driverists a better chance of making our own carnage. Thank you very much. And we do such a better job of it too.
Then come the “CAUTION! WORKFORCE IN ROAD! SLOW!” Now there really is no need for name calling. I know I am not the sharpest pencil in the draw, but Slow? Please. I am not slow. Ask her Ladyshipness. She will tell you I am very quick Thank you. I am not the one standing in the middle of the road am I! So get out of the road! You bloody idiots. You’ll get yourself run over. Why would anyone want to be in the middle of the road when there are masses of BMW drivers on the prowl looking for some poor unsuspecting road mender, to crash his brand new thought controlled beemer into? Can you call them masses, or is there some other collective noun for Beemer drivers? An “imbecile” of Beemer drivers sounds about right.
Sorry! Just going off topic for a second. On the subject of BMW’s. Can someone please explain why a £35000+ car doesn’t have working indicators? Are they one of those expensive optional extras that nobody ever has fitted? Be honest now. Have you ever seen a BMW with an indicator working? I bet you haven’t. Maybe they are “thought controlled” as I mentioned just a moment ago. That would explain a lot. I shall go and take one for a test drive, for research purposes only. Maybe even do a bit of thoughting. But do not worry yourselves on my behalf. Again, it is for research purposes only. I do this for the common good, and for no reward whatsoever. Regardless of the pain and substantial humiliation involved.
Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. I was in Cornwall just a few short days ago, and I found a little grey foldaway sign at the side of the road. Well I didn’t actually find it, as it wasn’t actually lost. I spotted it. It was pretending to be an overhead matrix sign. You will have seen these things. They sit there all day, and all night, flashing big bright amber lights, saying “SIGN UNDER TEST”. Test for what? Spelling? Unlikely, but who knows. But this little fold up sign, was sitting by the A38 looking a bit sorry for itself, declaring to the whole world (well Cornwall at least), that it was also a “SIGN UNDER TEST”. Poor little fella. I felt really sorry for him. I nearly went back to pick him up, and bring him with me, to show him what he is likely to grow up to be. He would have liked that. Bless.
Now for a favourite of mine. As you drive through rolling countryside, you will have seen the signs that tell you of a “HIDDEN DIP”. I have, but I always seem to find them. This means they weren’t hidden in the first place. So that sign is a blatant lie. If this is the case, then the councils should go around and replace these “Hidden Dips” with “UNHIDDEN DIP” signs, or, now here is the radical in me coming out, no sign at all. Think of the money wecould save on signs that aren't required (I think I just saved us all from an extra 30% tax on the petrol. Hell! Im'm good.).
Then there are the signs which tell you of the new traffic lights ahead. New traffic lights. What was wrong with the old ones? Nothing. All they ever did all day was to stop cars and buses and Lorries, and a damn fine job they were doing too. Then out of the blue, some hard hatted chump comes along and tells them they are to be replaced by new more efficient time wasting devices. New traffic island. Leave it out. Or maybe a brand spanking new roundabout. Fine. But I have never been down this road before, and I would have liked to have seen the old ones. Thanks, for taking that opportunity away from me. Why remove them when not everybody has seen them. Give the things a blooming chance. Just because they look a bit old and dishevelled, doesn’t mean you should just willy nilly consign them to the great traffic appliance storage yard in the sky. You wouldn’t send your Granny before she had actually curled up her toes. Would you? So why send the signage and lights and things. Smacks to me a bit of “Big Brother”.
That’s another thing. Bloody cameras mounted on any fixed object to keep tabs on our every movement. Hope they’re not in my bathroom too. That could be a bit embarrassing. My movements are very personal to me. Driving or otherwise. They even have video cameras in those stazi cars too. This could be why they keep having those accidents. Who knows? Perhaps I shall be appearing on “Police! Stop! Camera! Action!” on Discovery channel at some point in the near future .See you on the telly soon.
Can I now just point out that, not all signs at the side of the road are for road safety. There has in recent years been the advent of the trailervert. That’s a trailer left in a field by the road, with an advert on it. Great for road safety. You will have seen them. They have a picture of a house, and say “IF YOU LIVED HERE. YOU WOULD BE HOME NOW”. That’s all well and good. But I reckon if I wanted to live in a bloody field, I would have myself turned into a bull. I would be freezing cold too. It’s blooming Winter. It’s a blinking empty field you bloody idiot advert tizers. So there
*STOP PRESS*
I have just received a phone call from Fred. He is on the M42 heading north from Junction 3 to the M6 at junction 7. Right through the previously mentioned CAMERA ALLEY. He has travelled the ten miles or so without once having to slow down. The reason for this must be, Mumbai Central have had an extra long coffee break, and failed to turn the cameras and signs on. The time is 07:00hrs am o’clock in the morning. Therefore we may conclude from this startling revelation, that the flow of traffic is improved by leaving the bloody things switched off. I thank You.
(No traffic signs or BMW drivers were unintentionally hurt in the making of this chapter)
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